These are memoirs chronicling some of the events that occurred to me while enduring an abusive marriage with a controlling ex husband. After escaping the marriage, I started a new life, but little did I realize that the pain had only just begun. My name is Nadia Alterio and this is my once hidden story.
Before you begin reading, please take note of this. My husband was Donald E. Lemmon Jr. He was the Author of Don Lemmon’s Know How: The Truth About Exercise & Nutrition. Here is an excerpt from his book that references my existence and our marriage.
As you can see, what he presented our relationship to be to the public truly was not our reality. In fact, it was the complete opposite. Here is my story, let the truth be told. I have been waiting 23 years to unveil this. My goal is not only to expose the relationship for what it really was, but to inspire, educate and encourage other women to also speak up.
The unveiling of this is a work in progress.
The Escape
I will never forget September 16, 2002. My entire body trembled with fear and I prayed I would make it through this. It took all my strength to get on the 1:00 pm flight from Las Vegas to Victoria. I couldn’t look back. I didn’t want the look on my husband’s face to haunt me for the rest of my life. I carried my little Chihuahua Teaka close to me as I made my way down the aisle, found my seat and then gently placed her carrier underneath it and prepared myself for take off.
As I fastened my seat-belt, I noticed my hands were trembling and my stomach felt nauseous. I told myself to be strong, that I would make it through this because I knew that I had so much to live for. I was only 26 and the possibilities were endless. I was a smart woman and knew that if I stayed, I would no longer have the strength to carry on with the shape that I was in.
Both physically and mentally I had fallen ill from the constant mind games and verbal abuse that I had experienced. I was so drained mentally at this point that my sanity was at stake. I thought about what I had gone through late the night before and earlier that day in order to make this flight and I thanked God that I was finally able to pick up the phone and call for help.
The night before had felt like an eternity. It was 3 in the morning and I found myself calling my Aunt Lily in Victoria out of desperation. She was the only relative of mine that I was in contact with at that time. Over the years I had become closed off from all my family. This man controlled every aspect of my life in one-way or another.
I was only able to get out one sentence before I began to tear up and crumble in my words. My Aunt sensed right away that something was terribly wrong and asked me if he had done anything to me.
Not knowing how to answer with him pacing the floor right next to me, I burst into tears. She then told me to book the next flight to Victoria from Las Vegas and do whatever I had to make it to the airport. She told me she would cover the expenses if need be, but to just do my best to be on that flight and they would be waiting for me at the airport to pick me up upon my arrival.
Even though it was nearing 4 am and he was still pacing and begging me not to go, I knew I had to book this flight, so I immediately turned to my computer, did a search for the next available flight to Victoria leaving Las Vegas and then preceded to search until I finally found a flight that left the next day at 1 p.m. Over and over I told myself to be strong, that I had gotten that far and I just had to make it to the next day.
I knew I needed to try and get some rest if I was going to make that flight the next day, but I also knew that there was no way I was going to leave my sweet little chihuahua behind. I was so thankful to have Teaka, this little chihuahua was my companion and the one thing that kept me sane throughout this entire ordeal. I swore to myself that one day I would make this precious little creature a legacy to honor what she represented to me during this time in my life.
At this point I was exhausted and he had been pacing around the apartment the entire time, telling me that I couldn’t leave, that I would regret it if I did and that I would never be happy if I left him. I held my Chihuahua close, laid my head down and tried to get what little rest I could for I knew that the day ahead of me would be the most difficult day of my life.
The next day was going to be either the last day of my life or the first day to a new beginning. I was paralyzed with fear and knew that this was it. My body was at its limit. I realized that God was going to have to carry me through this. I prayed for strength and courage and He answered my prayers.
The Final Goodbye …..
I made it to the airport, I was numb and did not know if I would collapse ….. TBC
I was feeling extremely ill, but still found myself walking away from him and hearing his last words to me which were,
“No matter where you go, I will get you.”
The First Meeting
As I waited at the Kamloops airport for his flight from Los Angeles to arrive, I could feel myself getting more nervous as the minutes passed. I felt guilty about taking the car and leaving Ma at home because I knew she wanted to meet him, after all he was supposed to be coming to meet not only me, but my family as well.
I decided it would be better to go by myself. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. In fact, I felt a little uneasy about it because I don’t think it would have been a problem either way if my mom had come with me, after all I didn’t have anything to hide.
He had called me earlier to tell me he had made it to Vancouver and was about to get on his connecting flight to Kamloops, but he mentioned that he preferred me to pick him up by myself so that he could embrace me the way that he knew he was going to want to when he saw me.
I watched nervously as his plane approached the landing strip and wondered what he was thinking about my hometown so far. I was born in the small town of Kamloops, British Columbia, on December 22nd, 1975. I was 23 years old and had just graduated from University with my degree in Psychology.
I had a passion for understanding the psychology and science of the brain and how it affects human behavior, so I was eager to continue with my studies in this field. I was also quite savvy with understanding the internet and so I started to teach myself as much as I could about becoming successful in online marketing. Little did I realize how much of a computer ninja I really was! It was very exciting to me!
I felt ready to take on the world. I had some serious plans for my future, I had already accomplished so much and I was on a roll. By this time in my life, I had already become a successful competitive athlete, and had competed in both the Miss Italia pageant as well as The Miss Canada pageant as Miss British Columbia. I was on my way!
I knew that whatever I did, I would be successful. My family and friends would all say the same. Hard work and determination had got me to the point that I was at in my life.
I was born into a traditional Italian family, where our culture played a dominant role in how we ran our lives. I had an older sister with whom I was very close and my parents instilled in us strong morals and values. Mom and Dad were strict growing up, but it kept us safe and in line.
As I watched the passengers file off the plane one by one, it was hard to identify him. The moment he stepped forth, I was reminded that this was really happening. There he was, all the way from Los Angeles, he had really come. Even though I told him that we should meet in the spring when it wasn’t so cold, he insisted he had to come now.
He was the only passenger wearing blue jeans, a denim top with the top buttons undone and sneakers. I told him to bring warm clothes because it was winter and this early February day was chili to say the least.
His hair was dark brown, shoulder length, all one length and thick. He looked similar to the picture that he used for his logo on his website, but he was actually smaller than what I had imagined. Perhaps it was because he had this way about him in which he spoke with such confidence in what he knew and believed to be true.
The Decision to Marry
My decision to get married was made under circumstances that at the time I thought were of good judgment. It was only two weeks away from an official departure date that was given to me by US Customs at the Toronto International Airport only two months prior to. By this time, we had been together for several months already and were currently living in Las Vegas.
I remember it clearly. I had just competed in the Miss Canada Pageant as Miss British Columbia and when I went through customs to go back to Las Vegas with him I was stopped and questioned about the amount of time I had been spending in the US as my passport revealed that I had been making frequent and lengthy trips from Canada to the US. I was granted one final trip to the US under the condition that I had to be back on Canadian soil by October 31st of that year.
Time flew by and October 31st was fast approaching. After evaluating possible alternatives to work around my having to leave, I realized that my options were limited. I could return to Canada and then come back after enough time had passed before I would be allowed back into the US or I could take my chances and remain in the country illegally.
I hadn’t been in touch with my family for some time. After several unsuccessful attempts to maintain a relationship with them via email and phone calls, it became a source of enormous frustration for me. It had been so long since I last had contact with them and I became very anxious about it. I started to believe that I didn’t have a home to go back to.
Deep down, what ate me up most of all is that I felt like if I went back I would be seen as a failure. Even though I knew I wasn’t comfortable in the relationship and even fearful of him, I wasn’t thinking clearly so I didn’t see the reality of what was really happening to me both mentally and physically. Slowly I was losing my sense of identity and my mind was succumbing to the constant false truths that were fed to me.
Losing My Identity
You don’t think it’s happening at first because a strong-minded person is supposed to be in control of their existence, but before you know it you realize that you are no longer the person you once thought you were.
Prior to this relationship, I considered myself to be one of the most strong willed and powerfully minded women on the planet. Almost two years into the relationship, I found myself barely capable of making the most simple decisions without seeking approval or looking for justification of some kind.
What had happened to the girl who at one time didn’t even have time to blink in between decisions being made? How can a person go from being of a super strong mind to vulnerable and weak of mind in such a short period of time without a diagnosis of a major disease such as Alzheimer’s that would easily explain a loss of self identity.
Manipulation of the Worst Kind
The transformation occurs when a person is the victim of mental verbal manipulation of the worst kind. This form of abuse is the worst case scenario because its victims don’t always realize it’s even happening and are usually unaware of the fact that they are even being abused.
They are often caught off guard finding themselves in situations where they thought they were doing the right thing but were quickly scolded for what they were told was inappropriate or bad behavior when in actual fact it wasn’t. Outsiders looking in would have no idea that it was happening because physically it isn’t identifiable.
In this relationship, I was constantly being scolded for inappropriate behavior and it wasn’t long before I was procrastinating with every decision or move I made. My mind had been so worked on that I was slowly becoming numb to the fact that I was no longer in control of who I was or the decisions I was making.
Everyday I was faced with some form of verbal manipulation that would throw my mind into a state of chaos. I remember feeling fearful of what might happen if I tried to speak my mind. The end result was always dreadful.
I would attempt to say something and he would immediately retaliate and verbally attack the conversation so that all of a sudden the tables were turned and somehow I was totally in the wrong. It would happen so fast and was so overwhelming that I would lose my focus and find myself at a total loss for words. It was like I had just been ‘verbally raped’ and it would leave me feeling submissive to his authority and emotionally torn.
As time went on, I actually started to believe that I was stupid. The word was so frequently used by him when he spoke at me that subliminally it had made me void of conscious thought and at the mercy of his constant lies and threats, most of which were happening at a rate that I could no longer account for.
Various forms of manipulative tactics were used to scare me into thinking that we were supposed to be together and that without him I was nothing. He often brought up how my family was completely neglecting me, which I later found out that wasn’t the case at all. He had actually been emailing them without my knowing it and using my identity and telling them I didn’t need them or want them in my life so all communication with them stopped.
He also put huge emphasis on religion and the role of Christianity. He used scripture and the word of God to constantly keep me in check with how I should behave and what was expected of me as his wife. He even had me convinced that wearing earrings was a sin because it left piercings in my ears and the Lord believed that to be a sinful act.
I was continuously exposed to what was written in the book of Revelations and how the forthcoming changes that were to happen in the world would slowly destroy the world and so I needed him to protect me and keep me safe.
He made me sit and watch movies that showed how destructive the world was going to become instilling fear in me that made me feel like I had no one else but him so I shouldn’t rebel or even think about trying to leave him because he was meant to be my savior.
He filled my head with conspiracy theories telling me that a governing body of people called the Illuminati really ran the world and we were just nobodies in an overpopulated world that was soon coming to an end and there was nothing we could do about it.
He insisted that the world was going to be hit by a large meteorite that would take out a huge piece of the earth, so we needed to be prepared for it by relocating to a desolate area in northern Alberta, Canada, where we could hide and survive all of its devastation.
He had me believe that our phones were tapped and that I was always being followed by Immigration. That they were tracking my every move just waiting to catch me doing something that would violate my newly wedded marriage status so they could send me back to Canada where I supposedly had nobody because my family had turned their backs on me.
Surviving The Moment
We had been living in North Hollywood, but had to make a trip to Las Vegas for business and because he was ready to move to Las Vegas so we needed to find a place. Upon our arrival, I remember meeting with some friends of his, having drinks at the casino and then it turned into a long night of bar hopping with several tequila shots and a lot of beer.
The events of this night will haunt me forever. I had a few drinks, but not enough to be incoherent. He on the other hand was seriously intoxicated and I started to worry about how the night would play out and getting to the hotel where we were staying.
I remember feeling terrified, sick to my stomach and digging deep within me to find the courage to survive. I had no choice but to mentally find the strength to endure what was happening.
We were now in an old Las Vegas hotel room, where I was physically being forced to lay on my back with my hands above my head. He was sitting on top of me looking directly at me. I could smell the tequila and beer on his breath and he drunkenly spoke harshly about how he wished I loved him and how he wished he could trust me.
I knew this was a dangerous situation and if I said the wrong thing, it could turn fatal. I had to focus on surviving the moment and being very careful about the words that came out of my mouth, let alone not bursting into tears.
This was no game. The only way out of it was to play caution to every moment and to physically endure the pain of forced penetration and pray to God that he would soon finish and pass out in a drunken stupor and he did just that.
I laid there feeling tormented, scared, cold, exhausted and my eyes filled with tears trying to come to terms with what had just happened. How was I ever going to escape this?
Forbidden Independence
Everyday I mentally grew weaker, but still hadn’t fully succumbed to his control tactics. The idea of possibly trying to get out of this relationship was still in my head and he knew it, so the tactics continued.
When we first started dating, he knew that I had planned to complete my Masters in Psychology. He told me that instead of completing it in Canada, that he knew people at Stanford University in California and that he could pull some strings to get me in. I was thrilled with the possibility.
As time passed, I realized that wasn’t going to happen so I decided to apply at the University in Las Vegas (UNLV) because it was close and I didn’t want to give up on trying to get my Masters and deep down, I thought maybe it would be possible to attend school and somehow meet people I could confide in and trust who could help me get out of this relationship.
After being partially accepted into the program and communicating with the Dean of Psychology, the day came when I needed to go to the University and meet with him in person to continue with the admissions process. Deep down I was excited, but I did not show it. We got into the car and drove to the University. Once there, we drove through the grounds until we finally came to the main roundabout for the faculty of Psychology.
I will never forget him driving into the roundabout and then slowing down as he approached the main entrance. We slowed right down and when we were finally there, the car did not stop. He drove past the main doors and I knew that I was never going to have the opportunity to go back to school if I stayed with him.
He knew that I might try to flee and he wanted to make sure I knew that he was always a step ahead of me. I desperately refrained myself from crying and said nothing. The silence was frightening and I fought the urge to collapse. I knew then that he would never allow me to have even the slightest bit of independence.
Promises Made
I remember one day him taking me to a beautiful resort community in Las Vegas called Spanish Hills. I wasn’t sure why we were there, but when we pulled up to this gorgeous Spanish themed house with an amazing yard so beautifully decorated with lavish fountains and a marvelous pool, I was mesmerized by its beauty and the idea of living so luxuriously.
We walked up to the front door only to be greeted by a realtor who welcomed us into the house and walked us through it delivering to us a very well put together the history of the home and what made it so desirable to live in. All the while, Don watched me as my face lit up with glee. After the realtor finished his walk through, he asked us if we wanted time to explore the house on our own and so we did.
Once upstairs, Don pulled me aside and told me, if you stay with me, you can have all this, that he would make it happen so I could live like a Queen and that all I had to do was stop resisting and show him that I was fully devoted to him. This actually made me realize that even if we did end up in this big, beautiful home, I still wouldn’t be happy and would still yearn for the love of my family and friends.
From Control to Sick Obsession
I was in deep when I realized I had lost all privileges to any privacy. With each day, I was living on eggshells in that both mentally and emotionally I never knew what to expect when it came to his need to know what I was doing at every minute of the day.
There were no longer any kind of boundaries and this became obvious when he began picking the lock to the bathroom door when I was in it for an amount of time that was longer than he was comfortable with.
I was at the point where I needed any free minute I could get to just breathe for my life, so taking an extra few minutes to myself in the bathroom to gather my thoughts and courage to get through the day was necessary. I knew I had to keep what little bit of mental strength I had left in me to plan and follow through with the escape I knew I had to make if I wanted to survive this.
I remember I would close and lock the door to take a shower and then try to take it as quickly as possible to not make him suspicious in any way that he might wonder what else I might be doing. Then one day I was showering and washing my hair and when I opened my eyes after rinsing, there he was, standing there watching me shower the entire time. He had picked the lock and decided that he needed to let me know he was capable of watching my every move.
He didn’t have to say anything, but I know that’s the message he wanted to make clear to me. Trying not to reveal how nervous or violated this made me feel, I managed to wear a smile and act like it was a nice surprise to see him.
Inside however, I was dying. It made me sick to my stomach and emotionally I wanted to collapse in tears and thoughts of physically ending my life to escape such mental and emotional stress began to surface.
On a day when my stomach wasn’t agreeing with me, I found myself in the bathroom trying to deal with it. As I sat on the toilet, hoping that I could get through this sooner than later, I realized that enough time had gone by that he might get suspicious.
Sure enough, not even seconds later he was knocking on the door asking me what I was up to. I told him the truth, praying that he would just accept my response and let me ride it out. After all, I was really sick and it had to play its course. I could hear him on the other side of the door sitting there waiting and listening. Couldn’t he just let me be!
A minute went by and I no longer heard him, then all of a sudden the lock clicked and before I knew it the door was turning and there he stood before me while I sat on the toilet thinking Oh My God, this sick, sick, sick man just picked the lock. I have never felt more uncomfortable than this and prayed to God to be freed from this.
Enter Jason – Another Canadian To The Rescue
To Be Continued ….
What Happened To Nadia?
Well, I ended up disappearing. Literally, once I arrived on Vancouver Island in Canada by plane after leaving Las Vegas, I was taken to a seclusive resort in Shawnigan Lake, where I was hidden for 4 months. Below is evidence of this taken from the forums at jblforums.com
After the 4 months in hiding, I made my way back to civilization and began rebuilding my life. It wasn’t easy and I realized the trauma had a huge impact on my well being. The nightmares, battle with anxiety and depression had begun to set in. I tried carrying on with life, but still found myself legally attached to my ex-husband by the covenant of marriage.
I desperately wanted out of the marriage, but discovered that for whatever reason, he was not going to divorce me. He still wanted control. He began attacking my family in anyway he could. The lies, the threats, it just went on and on no matter what I did to cut off contact, he still found a way to haunt us. He was in Los Angeles and I was back in Kamloops. Distance didn’t matter to him, he was on a mission to make my life miserable.
Then one day, unbelievable and a answer to prayer, I was delivered divorce papers from his attorneys in Los Angeles. I was ecstatic and signed them right away. I couldn’t help but wonder why all of a sudden I was getting divorce papers after he had made it clear he would never divorce me. I later found out that he had met someone else and needed to divorce me so that he could marry her.
I thought to myself, how unbelievable sick is this man, but I didn’t care, I was finally legally free of a marriage that I never should have never agreed to in the first place. I was so thankful and yet I couldn’t help but feel terrible for the new wife he had wed, the torment that she was about to live through …. but I needed to keep reminding myself that it just wasn’t my problem anymore…. or was it?
Shortly after, I discovered that his new wife was none other than the infamous porn star, Asia Carerra. I was sick to my stomach. She had two children with him. One thing I did when I was with him was do whatever I could to avoid from being intimate with him for that reason, I did not want to be connected to him through children, what a nightmare that would have been.
Even though he was now married to his new wife, he still continued to taunt me in any way he could. It was unreal. I guess he felt compelled to hold true to his threat of never letting me be free of him.
I later went back to school and graduated with honorable distinction in Business. I was determined to pick myself up again and succeed with my career and I felt compelled to one up him when it come to knowledge and remember how he tried to control and limit me with an allowance and not allowing me to go back to school….
TBC
Final Words
Today, 23 years later I am still alive and thanking God for every breath. Life has not been a picnic, but I’m here now finally making this happen. If only one woman reads this and is inspired to leave their abusive partner, then sharing my experience was worth it.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” ~ Philippians 4:13
I want to thank my dear sister in Christ, Katie Housek Peters, for always inspiring me to be the amazing woman that I am and for introducing me to Christ. If it wasn’t for Katie, who has been discipling me to this day, I honestly don’t know if I would have the courage to pursue this truth. We all need a sister like Katie, she is a blessing.